Welcome to Los Angeleeees, Ms. Fink.

Welcome to Los Angeleeees, Ms. Fink.

Suddenly I had the urge to go back to college — to earn some new fangled degree or other that would  only take two semesters to accomplish — but it would be hard work and require me to live apart from home. Once there, I always found myself lost in vacant hallways lumbering up and down stairs lost and chancing that I would get to my dorm room.  That’s right: I said dorm room, after my first night class.

At forty-something years old, here I was back in the dorms, but somehow they were different from the dorms of my youth. To start with, the globes in the hallways had a dingy pink cast and the walls went from narrow to wide very quickly. Every unfamiliar doorway mocked me: “You’re new here. You don’t belong here.” I seemed to be travelling in circles and had to go down two flights before taking an elevator to send me up three flights and then down another half-rounded stair.

“Here it is,” I pant to myself after navigating this tortuous maze. I know it’s mine because it’s the only one where the door is wide open. This too, is so different from days gone by. Instead of two single beds with two closets, two desks and a sink, this room is like an Army barracks with row upon row of grey metal bunk beds. At the far end of the chamber are four regular single beds.

A push my way to that end and notice that the music in the room is not bad, mostly something classified as indy-pop, but to my dismay as soon as I could catch onto a tune, the song would change. This seemed the norm, and not some weak game of Music Wars where you would try to name the artist before the other dude, just two or three measures of song followed by another snipet of song.

Perhaps because of my age or maybe because of my charm (ha, ha), I have one of the single beds at the end of the lodging– no one above me and no bed springs to look at. That’s good because beat, I am and I just want to wash my face and lay down. Problem is someone else is at the sink before me and I just have to wait. Fine. I sit for a moment, trying to get the rhythm of the new song and notice twin blonde girls across the way. In an effort to set the stage for the coming year, I begin introductions when suddenly the two morph into four. Best not to stare, they probably get tired of that, especially with the pear-size birthmarks on various parts of their faces that they each seemed to be sporting. Plus, I’m afraid the next time I turn, there will be eight. Tough to get a bed in one of these places these days.

So I turn my attention back to the sink and realize that the person  washing up looks a lot like my old boss, Becky. That couldn’t be. This woman has a kerchief on her head to keep the hair off her forehead while she moisturizes her large Midwestern face. She brays at me, “Em! It’s you! I thought so.”

Let's catch up. Right now.

Let’s catch up. Right now.

What the….

She begins gabbering about her life and her jobs and why she is here and how long it how been, how many hand-knit sweaters she’d bought, and about her sons, the one that is gay and the one that is not, while I wash my own face while watching her eat a gallon of rocky-road ice cream.

“Oh dear. What a nightmare. College is not for me,” I think as I fly out of there like a tiger on fire. “I have to get home! My husband must miss me. It’s dark, but I can make it before midnight, I know. He’ll understand.

I look down and realize I am on a 16-foot-tall Christmas tree clinging to its top branches. I whomp its roller skates to move me down the darkening highway straight home. The powerlines a terrifying at this height, but still less than the Barton Fink atmosphere I had just left at this campus from Elm Street. While still moving at a reckless speed I force myself to leap to the ground as we (the tree and I) are on a collision course with the porte cochere of our vaulted apartment complex straight ahead.

People in the comley common dining room swivel their balloon-like heads around to see where the tree and I will crash, yet I am like Elastagirl from the Incredibles and plant the vault Olympic gymnist-style with barely a hesitation before the sprint to our home while blithely noting that my keys had splintered in the crash. Now at the door of apartment 404 with its walls of what? Pine. What? Rough hewn floors.  My man has already converted this into his Man Cave. I’m barely yesterday’s news.

“Where’s the bed?” I ask racing through our home, “Where the hell is the bed?”

My hubster Vic breezes in with our friend Todd. They were dressed in 49er shirts (not weird, like twin shirts, just fan shirts) and going to see a game or have a beer, or shoot, I don’t know play some pool. “Wait. I’m home,” I let go. “I’m home now. Where is the bed?”

“Silly girl,” Vic teased. “The bed is planted in the parking lot to look at the stars. You lay down out here,” whisking me away to the asphault field.

I implore from the in-the-parking-lot-bed-now, “I do not want this. It’s hot. I’m homeless. Stay. No game. My keys are lost.”

“Now THAT’s a problem,” Todd wisecracks. “That’s a loup-garou.”

Take a look around this dump. You're just a tourist with a typewriter, Barton, I live here.

Take a look around this dump. You’re just a tourist with a typewriter, Barton, I live here.

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why you don’t want to take Nyquil after eating a banana. Geez.

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